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>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen >> the 500-year-old skeleton they found near a parking lot belonged to the notorious monarch richard iii. a scientist said an apparent knife wound in his rear end fits the story. sta captioning sponsored by com
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>> stephen: tonight, the gop tries to appeal to hispanics. first step, learning to speak his-spanish. [ laughter ] then, can president obama get the support of gun owners? yes, after a four-year waiting period. [ laughter ] and my guest, justice sonia sotomayor, is the first hispanic on the supreme court. i will ask her questions in hiss-spanish. [ laughter ] fidel castro made his first public appearance in three years. then he saw his shadow, so fifty more years of communism. [cheers and applause] this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [eagle caw] [cheers and applause]
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welcome. thank you so much, everybody. [crowd chanting stephen] thank you have much. please, sit down, nation. [cheers and applause] welcome -- welcome to the broadcast presented tonight with limited commercial interruptions. good to have you with us. folks, i'm still coming down from last night's superbowl rager. i had the whole wrecking crew over and they brought it. and by it, i mean a lovely spinach dip bread bowl, courtesy of lou dawg. [ laughter ] woof woof! the dog is loose! the dog is in the house! and wants his serving tray back at some point! [ laughter ] it was a superbowl for the ages. a photo finish, squeaker at the buzzer, aaaaand who won? who won? the ravens. the ravens won. [ laughter ] good, good.
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perfect. [ applause ] sounds great. bonus! now ray lewis has as many superbowl rings as murder indictments. [ laughter ] evens it out. but of course, the real winners were american consumers, because the ads killed it this year. they had it all: a doritos-eating goat, [ laughter ] a man outrunning a cheetah, [ laughter ] a guy who lost weight 15 years ago. [ laughter ] but the tearjerker of the night was the touching story of a man's love for a horse. and that's not just love in the horse's eyes. it's also gratitude that it works for budweiser and not burger king. [ laughter ] but there was one part of the game i didn't care for-- the halftime show. beyonce. was she great? of course. but a young, vital singer at the top of her game is just unnatural. [ laughter ]
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traditional superbowl halftimes are supposed to be arthritic legends decades past [ laughter ] their prime shambling through their catalog of oldies. [ laughter ] i mean look at her, she doesn't even have visible neck wattle. [ laughter ] so sad. of course, the big story is what happened in the third quarter. >> we have a power outage at the super dome. there was a surge in the building and all of the lights have been knocked out. >> blackout bowl. >> blackout bowl. >> blackout bowl! the lights go out for 35 minutes. >> stephen: that's right, 35 minutes without power. only two months short of new orleans' personal best. [ laughter ] they'll get there. [ laughter ] no one's sure what caused the outage, but i believe it may have started with an electrical short. here. [ laughter ] all right, could be trouble. doesn't look good. might want to check the wiring on that thing. [ laughter ]
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they eventually got power restored, but i was disappointed. that stop down was 35 minutes of darkness that should've been filled with ads. and don't tell me you couldn't find a sponsor. because i know for a fact that many of my blackouts are brought to you by captain morgan. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] folks, my guest tonight is the first latina on the supreme court. so to any hispanic viewers joining us for the first time, i want to say: welcome! [ laughter ] and i assure you that welcome has an upside-down exclamation mark in front of it. or as i call it, a "mexclamation" mark. [ laughter ] now, nacion, i've long had a deep respect for the hispanic community ever since they voted barack obama into a second term. for conservatives, it was a sobering moment. or at least it would be, if i could stop drinking. [ laughter ]
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again, thank you, captain morgan. but the gop lost the hispanic vote by 44 points. 71% to 27%. 11 million hispanics voted for obama. to put that in perspective, if you laid them all end to end, and stacked them ten high, you'd have a pretty good start on a border wall. [ laughter ] i don't get it: i thought hispanics came here to do the jobs americans don't want to do, like voting for this guy. ( laughter ). what is his name? it's going to come to me. hold on, i'll remember his name. its going to come to me. [ laughter ] chip ranchero? where did we go wrong?! the gop and hispanics are made for each other. >> when you look at the hispanic
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vote, in so many ways, it seems it should be natural for some of them to vote gop. >> hispanics are not inherently liberal. hispanics, you know, they're tight family. they have-- you know, they're religious catholic, they're socially-conservative. >> this ought to be our vote. they're socially, economically conservative, patriotic, church- going, family-oriented people who are very entrepreneurial. coalition. >> stephen: yeah! hispanics and republicans go together like beans and very, very white rice-- [ laughter ] that is highly suspicious of the beans. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] granted, we conservatives may have said a few negative things about immigrants in the past, but now all of that is just agua under the spanish word for bridge, because republicans have now reached out to a group they trust even less than mexicans: democrats. >> influential members of the senate-- four from each party-- said today they have a
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breakthrough on comprehensive immigration reform. >> these 11 million people need to come of the shadows and we need to give them a path to citizenship. what's going on now is unacceptable. we have been too content for too long to allow individuals to mow our lawn, serve our food, clean our homes and even watch our children while not affording them any of the benefits that make our country so great. >> stephen: yes, latino immigrants deserve the same benefits-- social security, medicare, public education-- that all americans are slowly losing. [ laughter ] but, folks, dont think this is some blanket amnesty with no price to pay. just ask florida senator and registered latino marco rubio. >> you have to identity yourself. you're going to be fingerprinted. you're going to have a background check done. >> stephen: yes, they must be fingerprinted, and have background checks. after all, they're trying to get citizenship, not an assault
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weapon. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] these people love assault weapons. [ laughter ] folks, this completely changes how republicans will be perceived through the latino lens. >> i think it's going to revive the republican party among hispanics. >> it takes away from democrats the race card and it also lets nervous white voters know this is not a racist party. >> the one thing about if this plan comes to pass, how are the democrats going to call republicans racist anymore? they're going to take it off the table. >> stephen: yes, republicans will take racism off the table-- or have their busboy do it. [ laughter ] either way, it's gone. of course, no surprise that last week president obama tried to jump on the mariachi bandwagon with his own plan. but my friends at fox news know what que really pasas here. [ laughter ] >> why didn't he just say-- hey, senate, go for it. >> this was a campaign rally in
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many ways. >> most people would say it's not helpful to fly in and do a campaign-style event and attack people that are coming to the table with a sensible plan. >> what is the best way to make it happen? is it for him to realize, sometimes, silence is golden? >> stephen: megyn kelly's right-- silence is golden. that's why i often prefer to watch her show on mute. [ laughter ] besides hispanic voters know that immigration reform is moving forward only because republicans decided to stop blocking it. they're not going to give obama credit for supporting it all along. that would be like passing a kidney stone and thanking your doctor-- instead of the kidney stone, for taking you on such a character-building adventure of agony! [ laughter ]
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getting those words out was almost like passing a kidney stone. [ laughter ] plus, while obama's trying to woo hispanics, he's already flirting with another minority group on the side. according to the white house website, obama's immigration plan treats same-sex families as families. what's next, mr. presiden, treating gay people as people? here's the idea: the plan "gives u.s. citizens and lawful permanent residents the ability to seek a visa on the basis of a permanent relationship with a same-sex partner." that's right. he wants to let gay foreigners across the border to take our good-paying, american gaying jobs. [ laughter ] well, folks, i believe in american exceptionalism. and this is an insult to american gays. who i may not approve of, but i believe they are the gayest in the world. [ laughter ] our gay people --
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they are not just homosexual. they're homo-ceptional. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] we'll be right back.[cheers and]
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steej welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] welcome back to the broadcast. folks, by now it should be clear, we are in the waning days of our second amendment rights, and i hope you're making the most of it. this weekend, i took my gun sweetness up to a b & b in the
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catskills for a little alone time, and let's just say they had to replace the sheets-- [laughter] and the windows-- [laughter] and the lamps-- [laughter] and the coffee maker-- [laughter] and some of the roofing. we have been asked to not return. [laughter] but today president kumbaya o'hemp-shirt brought the anti-gun show to minneapolis. >> if there's even one thing we can do to keep our children safe, we've got an obligation to take that step. we can make a difference, that's our responsibility as americans. >> stephen: wrong. our responsiblity as americans is to obey the constitution and deep-fry anything with four legs-- including tables and chairs! [laughter] of course, obama claims he's not trying to take away our guns, and even told the new republic, "up at camp david, we do skeet shooting all the time." i'm not the only one who doesn't believe this bull skeet.
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jim? >> few people are buying president obama's claim that he is a big fan of skeet shooting. >> if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of this? why has he not referenced it at any point in time? >> i love the fact that he picked the safest thing. there's no live animals being hurt. of course, the kids aren't around. [laughter] >> stephen: yeah. [ laughter ] >> stephen: if obama really loved guns, why would he be using them safely? he'd be waving 'em around at a petting zoo, picking off baby goats. [laughter] but the white house wasn't done spinning this story. to counter the skeptics, they released this photo of him shooting a gun. folks, it doesn't prove he was shooting skeet. as one critic pointed out "the president is holding the shotgun as one would hold and aim a rifle. if the president were actually shooting on a skeet or trap range, he would have been wearing a belt with a shell bag or a shooting vest." yes, so he's clearly not on a shooting range.
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but if he's not, where is he? jimmy, put that photo up full screen. now, pull out. he's on the soundstage where they faked the moon landing! [laughter] oh, this is deeper than we thought. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] @"-wuubñ0io$o$@wwúaa]@-x
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back my guest tonight is a supreme court justice, i don't know about you, but that's a pretty big deal to me please welcome justice sonia sotomayor! [cheers and applause] nice to meet you. thank you so much for coming on. >> i'm really delighted to be here. >> stephen: do you guys when you come out in your robes, do you ever get a response like that from the peanut gallery? >> never. >> stephen: you have to get yourselves like a pumping song or something. a kickin bass beat or something to come out there. ladies and gentlemen yurk supreme court justices -- maybe? [cheers and applause]
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>> do you know that when i was sworn in, the security officers threatened to eject anyone from the room who clapped. >> stephen: really? >> they scared my family so much that for the first time in my entire life they stayed silent. >> stephen: wow, so you are not to enjoy yourself at the supreme court? do you enjoy yourself at the supreme court? >> some of my colleagues are pretty funny. occasionally we do laugh. >> stephen: who is the funniest? >> oh, no, i'm never going to pick among a colleague. there's an article that measures the number of laughs. i'm pretty low on that scale. >> stephen: really? it's wonderful to have you here. an honor to have a sitting supreme court justice with us. no fan of liberal judicial activism, i want you to know that. i'm a fan of selling things and you've got a book you are pushing right now.
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sonya soat mayor, "my beloved world." this say very revealing portrait of where you grew up in the bronx. why do we need to know this much about supreme court justices? because it used to be nine sort of faceless white guys out there and america ran great. [ laughter ] i mean for the most part, here or there. >> here or there, dred scott. >> stephen: yeah, whatever. [ laughter ] you always say dred scott. now how did your childhood growing up in the bronx influence your job now? >> i don't know if it influences my job now, but it's made the person i am. and so there's a lot of people who are interested in that. i think the most important message of the book is, no, we're not nine faceless people. we're nine human beings and each
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of us with our own story and each of us an ordinary human being with an extraordinary job at times. we're still people. i wanted everyone who read this book -- because i know most people share an experience i've had or feeling i've had about an experience -- that everyone who read it could ultimately come out and say something like, "you know she's just like me. and if she can reach her dreams, i can reach mine." [ applause ] >> stephen: you grew up poor. your father died when you were nine. you had to look after yourself a fair amount. you had even had to inject your own insulin as a child with diabetes. you are so self reliant. that seems like a value that conservatives embrace all the
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time. why aren't you a republican if you believe in self reliance. >> how do you know i'm not? >> stephen: because obama appointed you. [ laughter ] that's the only litmus test i need. [laughter] i'm not a senator. you can't walk around me. >> surprisingly enough to you i'm not a democrat. i'm independent. registersregisters to no party. >> stephen: what is the most conservative belief you have? [laughter] >> i believe in the constitution. [ applause ] >> stephen: all right. all right. well, then, you know what? then i believe you are not a democrat. [ laughter ] all right. i got a beef with you -- >> you don't believe that we all share common values. >> stephen: not all of us believe in the constitution. the second amendment is never to be questioned.
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do you believe we have the right to have any weapon we want. >> well, you'll find out soon enough when the case comes up. [ laughter ] >> stephen: this is what i like. [cheers and applause] how sweet is that lifetime thing? [laughter] how long before you just start phoning it in? [laughter] >> never. there isn't a justice and not one that i know in the history of our courts that hasn't cared passionately about what he or she is or has done on the court. i don't ever expect anybody to phone it in. >> stephen: when you go to the bronx and you see a young girl on a playground there do you think that child has the same opportunities i had when i was a child? [laughter] the kids degreing up in the bronx now? >> well, a piece of me would want her to become a justice
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instead of a person on television, because outside of that -- >> stephen: that was me saying opportunities i have -- i was being you. >> i was wondering, i took you literally. >> stephen: yeah, no i was in character. >> oh. >> stephen: i apologize. >> you mean this is not really you? >> stephen: no this is me. a second ago i was playing the character of you. [ laughter ] your honor, i move we adjourn. [ laughter ] thank you so much. >> thank you. >> stephen: justice soat mayor. the book is -- justice sonya soat -- justice sonia sotomayor,

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central February 4, 2013 11:30pm-12:00am PST

Sonia Sotomayor News/Business. Sonia Sotomayor. (2013) Author Sonia Sotomayor. New. (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY Stephen 23, Us 6, Obama 6, Sonia Sotomayor 3, Ravens 2, Bronx 2, Morgan 2, Sonya Soat 2, Cheetah 1, The Buzzer 1, Florida 1, Skeet 1, Wattle 1, Unnatural 1, Lou Dawg 1, Catholic 1, Nacion 1, Diabetes 1, Ray Lewis 1, Megyn Kelly 1
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